I Hate Housework…

Housework is the ultimate exercise in futility. It is never completely done. When someone asks  “are you a full-time housekeeper?”, as if part-time were an option, I have to bite my tongue. THERE is someone who doesn’t do housework. 

Take my ex-husband. I got up with him at six every morning, and while he got ready for work, I made breakfast.  When he left for work, the kitchen was dirty, the beds weren’t made, the bathroom was a mess – you get the idea. During the day, I cleaned. The kitchen first. Then I’d make the beds, do the laundry, mop the floors – all the normal household chores – while taking care of the baby, car pooling my daughter to and from school and other activities. Then I started dinner.  When he got home a little before six, the kitchen was dirty with dinner preparation, the kids were dirty from playing outside, the bathroom was dirty from trying to clean up the kids, and he would turn to me and say -

“What have you been doing all day?” 

I remember the day I snapped. I had worked all day long. The kitchen was spotless, the floor gleamed –  the house smelled new. Everything was perfect. He came home, walked into the kitchen and told me the top of the refrigerator was dirty. 

Did I say he was my ex?

My occasional feelings of guilt over this are exacerbated by the fact that my mother is an immaculate housekeeper. No hospital or museum could ever pass her inspection. She keeps telling me how easy it is, if you just do a little each day. I do. As little as possible. And she shared all her secrets for a keeping a clean house. I remember them. I just don’t do them.

Here are a few of Mom’s hints -

1) Clean from the top  to the bottom. Check for cobwebs in the corners of the ceiling, dust the blades of the ceiling fan, and clean the windows, working your way down.  Clean the shelves, dust the furniture, pick up the clutter, then sweep the floor last.  All in one day? I was tired before I reached the shelves.

2) When you clean a room keep a basket with you. Put the things that don’t belong in that room in the basket, and when you get through, return those things to the room they belong in.  But I’ve BEEN to those rooms already… this could turn into a circulatory nightmare!

3) Just clean one room a day. By the end of the week, the whole house will be clean.  No… I can do one room and it will be dirty again before I go to bed that night.

She used to ask me, since both my husband and I worked, why I didn’t get help with the house.  I’d have to clean it before the cleaning person came.   I found a notice on the bulletin board at the grocery store the other day for a housecleaning service.  It said  “$50 for half-day.  If there are dishes stacked in the sink, $70.”  It sounds like they’ve already seen my house.

When you think of spring cleaning, remember me.  No matter how bad your house is, you can always look at mine and feel better.  Don’t believe me?  Come over and borrow my mop. It’s that pole with the sponge attached to the end, wrapped in cellophane, right?

This essay has received several awards, and was published in Searcy Living Magazine in 2002.  Not much has changed!